i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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