i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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