I just threw up on my dentist
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
