Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just gargled with NyQuil
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
