i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
