OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He? As in you personified your dick?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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