ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Did I show you my penis last night?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
