Four minutes until I can fart!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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