I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
