What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
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