You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
