i don't plan on having that self control this summer
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
