based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
