Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
