I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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