wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
