having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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