Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize