Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
