im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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