I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
