woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
