Don't make out with my wife yet
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
do nipples grow back?
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