I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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