You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
