return my video game
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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