Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
