I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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