Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
