he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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