i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
