you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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