I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
