I think I died a long time ago.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
