sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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