Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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