I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
