You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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