So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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