You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
