If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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