I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize