please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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