So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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