I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
