my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
