Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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