So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
