Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
