I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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