we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
