There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
