Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
