Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
