I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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