If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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